最重要的是,你可以从老年人,已婚夫妇中学到

在谷歌上搜索“生命的秘密”,你会得到超过1340000000个条目。

这是Kim Kardashian的4倍,唐纳德特朗普的两倍多。

显然,生命的秘诀是人们一直在寻找很长时间。

现在,我不会声称了解生命的秘诀 - 还没有,无论如何 - 但我很确定我知道长期关系的秘诀。金宝博电子竞技

It starts with learning from the wisdom of people who are different than you are – old married couples, relationship counselors, and yes, even dating coaches – and considering how to apply their respective points of view to your complicated love life.

In “Why He Disappeared – the Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever,” I’ve taken the liberty to do that for you – accumulating wisdom from a whole bunch of other relationship gurus and sprinkling it with my own experience to explain why men stay with some women and leave others.

点击这里了解更多:

And keep reading to learn the secrets of old married people…

你以前听过我谈论化学。我远离唯一一个。

A favorite relationship expert named Alison Armstrong says that when you’re lucky enough have your chemistry dialed up to 10 with a man, you should probably run in the opposite direction.What?! That sounds so counterintuitive. But consider this:

When you’re crazily attracted to some guy, doesn’t that feeling actually make you a little bit…crazy?

当他打电话时,你开始痴迷。

You become weak and needy because you’re so consumed by him.

你不能停止思考他,并难以重点上班。

顺便说一下,这不仅仅是你。在Wikipedia上看“爱”这个词,当你对某人的新吸引时,你会看到你大脑中的真正发生了什么:

Recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that as people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including the神经递质激素,多巴胺,去甲肾上腺素和血清素,安非他明释放的同样的化合物,刺激大脑的快感中枢,并导致副作用,如心率加快、食欲不振和睡眠不足,以及强烈的兴奋感。研究表明,这一阶段一般持续一年半到三年。

我敢打赌,这个描述触动了你的神经,因为,如果你和我们其他人一样,你已经混淆了坠入爱河时令人兴奋的化学刺激与实际的长期爱情。

In fact, they bear little resemblance.

抓住这种想法。

对比,紧张的吸引力感,想想你是谁。谁无条件地爱你?谁让你感到安全,听到和理解?

它可能不是你最想要的人。更有可能是你最好的朋友。或者你妹妹。或者你妈妈。

这些是你可以真正成为自己的人 - 你最好和你最糟糕的。那么为什么你经常选择男人,你觉得只是想着他们?

“我无法帮助我被吸引的东西!”你可能会说。

吸引力不是一个很好的关系健康的预测。金宝博电子竞技

You’re right. Attraction’s not a choice. By the same token, attraction isn’t a very good predictor of relationship health.

我被数百种有毒女性所吸引。大多数时候,我愿意忽略他们相当大的负面品质的这种吸引力。

你有没有做过这个?我打赌你有。

因为你是否被伟大的外表,极端财富或丰富的大脑吸引,你无法帮助你的感受。然而,这种感觉正是为什么你不断地吸引到同样不相容的男人身上。

你喜欢一个在经济上非常成功的人吗?你猜怎么着?他很可能是个a型工作狂。他很可能固执己见,专横专横。他很可能有点走火入魔了。他可能很难妥协。他不一定对分享自己的感受感兴趣,对倾听你的感受更不感兴趣。但恭喜你——你有了经济保障!

你喜欢一个非常有魅力的男人吗?Guess what? He’s likely to be a bit of a narcissist. He’s used to being given special attention for his looks and may not have developed the same kindness and generosity that you have. He may be underdeveloped in other arenas such as intelligence and worldliness, since so much of his life has revolved around people being attracted to him. Oh, and don’t forget, he’s extremely insecure; he needs the validation of constantly finding new women to tell him how gorgeous he is. But boy, is he hot! Enjoy your trophy, my friend.

You like a guy who is super smart?Guess what? Chances are he lives in his head. He’s over-analytical. He’s somewhat of a know-it-all. He has social insecurities. He’s kind of moody because he doesn’t see the world like everyone else does. He’s tortured by his potential. He can be wildly creative and unstable or blindly driven by money. He’s quite possibly depressed, and, at the very least, intense. But, yeah, he’s fascinating. Hang on tight and embrace the drama!

So when you’re assessing your dating prospects and are thinking past the lust phase into “Who will be wheeling me to my chemo treatments in 40 years”, consider that everything that attracts you comes with a considerable downside.

真正拥有它的人 - 已经结婚40年的夫妻 - 可能会告诉你同样的事情。

向一位老年人娶了她的关系的秘密。金宝博电子竞技你觉得你会听到喜欢的话:欲望,金钱和智力吗?没有。

你会听到友谊,妥协,笑声和信任等事情。

真无聊!

然而,显而易见的是,在选择合作伙伴时应该要寻找的品质。这些是确定长期兼容性的品质。

And if you’re entirely driven by short-term attraction, you can’t be too surprised when you haven’t found a relationship that sticks.

这可能不是一个流行的立场,但它更好地有一个吸引水平7和兼容水平10比有一个吸引水平10和兼容水平4,这是如此常见的情况。

看看自己的爱情生活,让我知道你看到了什么模式。

And if you want to do something different, check out“为什么他失踪了,”这让你知道如何避免打破心灵的人,并选择更高质量的人 - 现在开始。

Warmest wishes and much love,

Your friend,

埃文

P.S.凯伦读了为什么他消失了,几乎过夜了。

我迷失了如何继续和期待什么。我需要了解更多信息about a man’s mind and you’d think at my age I’d know. But no way until I看看你的电子书,为什么他失踪了。

When I was an actress in Hollywood. I dated high-powered men. Steven斯皮尔伯格和我一起住了将近一年。我受到追捧。我很漂亮。但我仍然不明白一个人的思想和它是如何运作的。

I’m now able to discern motives and watch what I say and do to bring out the very best in a man. I never put him down and I’m still respected for my input and opinions.

我终于感觉到自己被赋予了权力,并以一种健康而非操控的方式负责。我有men hanging on my every word. I hear constantly how adorable I am, how我的生意很成功,能给你送多少玫瑰,这很性感。

谢谢你打开我的眼睛,埃文。

Love,

凯伦

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Comments:

  1. 1
    阿佛洛狄特

    Dear Evan,

    Thank you for saying this out loud. I wish I had not had to learn it the hard way.

    我快60岁了,我才刚刚通过非常非常艰苦的方式学到这一课。回顾我所有的关系,我发现吸引力总是决定着我会和谁在一起,它把我带到了哪里?我本以为我可以接受这样一个事实:吸引力总是会让我失望,但现在,我发现我已经厌金宝博电子竞技倦了。也许我将来会很幸运,最终找到真正能让我长期满意的东西。我总是充满希望,尽管我最近的冒险可能让我失去了任何经济安全的希望。我还有10年的工作,我希望我能从这段有害的关系和经济打击中恢复过来。我感到安慰的是,尽管我对男人犯了可怕的、有害的、代价高昂的错误,但我确实和我的子孙有着美好的关系。我希望能够以诚实、关心和帮助的方式与他们分享我的错误。希望他们不会重蹈覆辙,但如果他们重蹈覆辙。我会尽我所能支持他们,帮助他们学习。

    Thank you for all you do.

  2. 2
    烧烤

    昨晚我在看一部电影,一个角色在警告另一个角色,爱情和关系要么像一条温柔的河流,要么像一条湍急而狂野的河流,无法阻挡,最终会翻越瀑布。和他交谈的女人说,她是在这条温柔的河金宝博电子竞技上永远飘荡的原木之一,哈哈。

    I think a lot of men want that gently bobbing log, but from a lot of what I’ve read here, at least for women who continually have problem relationships that end, the recurring theme is they can’t stand for less than the wild river which leads over the fall.
    大多数男人(即使是那些利用这一点对他们有利的人)只是挠头,我们不明白,也永远不会,对我们来说,一个女人是一个女人,所以在平静的河流中享受她比当你失去控制,即将被砸向岩石时更有意义。
    但是,女性会想要他们想要的东西。

    1. 2.1
      Sylvana.

      烧烤,

      好吧,我经常看到的是,一个被选为妻子的人,才是最容易相处的人。野河是他们背叛妻子的情妇和女人。这样,一个人就能两全其美。我在很多女人身上看到过,就像嗯。那些与稳定、可靠的伴侣结婚(这是一段颠簸的恋情)最终往往会在别处寻求刺激(与荒野的河流欺骗)。我认为你在女人和男人身上看到的最大区别是,女人更倾向于把这两种特质结合在一个伴侣身上,而男人则倾向于从一开始就把妻子和将要与之疯狂做爱的女人看作两个不同的人。你娶了好女孩,你和坏女孩玩得很开心。几个世纪以来男人都是这样。几个世纪以来,为了生存,女性需要成为稳定、可靠的人。因此,大多数富有的人在生下继承人后仍保留恋人。我想这就是为什么最近女性的作弊率上升这么多。女人越不依赖男人,就越像男人。

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