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After a breakup, it’s normal to ruminate on what went wrong. But from what I see from my Love U clients, you’re probably focused on what YOU did rather than what HE did. In this Love U Podcast, let’s reframe your breakup and get really clear on why your relationship ended – he wasn’t a very good boyfriend at all.

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Enjoy the Love U Podcast?请留下一段简短的评论苹果播客。

嘿,我是Evan 188bet电子竞技Marc Katz,约会教练为Smart,Strong,成功的女性,你的私人教练为爱情。欢迎来到你播客的爱情。坚持直到最后发现如何在你的关系出错时停止殴打自己。金宝博电子竞技当我们完成后,我会告诉你你如何申请爱你,以创造一个充满激情的关系,让你感到安全,听到和理解。金宝博电子竞技

所以,今天我们要讲的是我的客户,汽车men. Carmen is a smart, strong, successful woman. She’s in her late 30s. She lives in Singapore and she has been beating herself up over a loss of Mr. Big Type Guy. Maybe it’s a dated reference, but I think it still holds up. He is an entrepreneur and tech startup guy. And they were dating for six months. I’m going to try to put it put a timeframe on that. Maybe six months. And he’s a guy who because he’s in the startup world, work comes first. There’s no judgment about anybody who puts work first. Just recognize that there’s always a cost to anything that’s great. And you end up with the person who is the self-made millionaire. The cost is he’s probably working a lot.

所以他们在同一个领域工作。他是她的男朋友,但她感觉就像这段关系的事后。金宝博电子竞技问题是,当你觉得自己的关系发生后来时,你的关系并不强壮的潜在问题。金宝博电子竞技你可能会在纸上有关系。金宝博电子竞技I mean, technically, you could say I have a boyfriend, but if your boyfriend doesn’t check in with you every day and you don’t get to see him every week because he’s so tied up at work or he’s traveling and he doesn’t really talk about where your future is headed and he doesn’t have that much time to take a vacation or even leave a weekend open for you, you just have a boyfriend in the name. But he gets the benefits of having a girlfriend, but you don’t really get the benefits of having a boyfriend.

所以这就引出了一个原则,我可能是用五种爱的语言学的。我想就是这样。你只需要满足你未满足的需求。我提到那是《爱你》播客第二集的标题。你只需要满足你未满足的需求。你可以说,好吧,你知道,你男朋友可以说,“你看起来真的很需要。”好吧,为什么我需要?我有些需要没有得到满足。所以我的委托人卡门觉得被忽视了。当她被忽视或我们中的任何一个人被忽视时,我们会有什么感觉?我们会感到有点焦虑。我们在这段关系中感到有点焦虑和不安全,因为它没有得到照顾。我们可能会采取所谓的抗议行为,即猛烈抨击你被忽视或忽视的事实。因此,在他几个月的忽视和她猛烈抨击,她不觉得安全,听到,并理解,他最终与她分手。从那以后她做了什么?她一直在痛打自己。也许她可以更好地表达自己。也许她可以表现得更好,也许她可以更有耐心。她在干什么?即使她没有做错什么,她也要承担所有的责任。金宝博电子竞技

喜欢,我是安全的。你让我与那些不叫我回来的人的关系金宝博电子竞技。我会感到焦虑。我会心烦意乱。当承包商不称呼我时,我会感到沮丧。当我的网络团队上的人不回复我的电子邮件或文本时,我会感到沮丧。当大学朋友不回电话时,我感到不安。说,“嘿,发生了什么是正常的?”我想,我们在这里有一些东西。

…他不是一个很好的丈夫候选人…

So my client, Carmen, has a normal reaction to a situation where she’s being neglected and all she can do is focus on what she may have done wrong. What she doesn’t recognize is that she had a great guy on paper, but he’s not a great husband candidate, regardless of how much she likes him, how much she loves him, how great they are together, how much chemistry they have because they’re rarely together. And her only crime was what? Speaking up for herself, speaking her mind. Very reasonable mind. Could she potentially be more artful about it? Sure. That’s not the real problem here. The real problem is when I’m coaching her, I can’t make any progress because all she’s trying to do is figure out how to get her guy back. She’s ruminating on what she did wrong to make him go away. And what could she do to reverse that, to get him back? The thought being, that if you just tried harder, that if you just ironed out your flaws and acted perfect, that man who is so distant, so non-communicative, so insensitive, would suddenly just come to his senses and come back.

而这忽略了更深层次的真相。更深层次的事实是,你不能和对的人做错事。

Love is about recognizing each others’ flaws and willfully overlooking them for the good of the relationship. And that works to a point.

The problem is that all Carmen is focused on is her own flaws, that she’s anxious and fearful. And she is. But she doesn’t seem to recognize that with a better man who is a better fit and a better boyfriend. All those fears go away because she’s now getting her needs met. The fact that he’s failing to be a good boyfriend is the real problem. It’s not her reaction to his failures. It’s his refusal to spend more time, to prioritize her more. To listen to her more and to talk about a path to marriage.

所以当你在列表时,找到你这样的男人,答案不是让他爱你。这与他分手。你不能度过几年,试图让一个人爱你,好像这是你的失败,因为他觉得是男朋友。当你殴打自己的时候唯一要做的就是将这个家伙削减永远宽松,专注于他失败的方式。不是你失败的方式。知道了?

My name is Evan Marc Katz. Thank you for turning into the Love U Podcast. For more episodes like this click on the subscribe button, ring the bell to ensure that you get notified whenever there’s new content. And please share an honest review on Apple.